This will sound self-righteous and egotistical but I hope it’s not. I think I’ve always had a pretty big faith. It made sense – if what we say about God is true then why question or worry or put limitations on him? Maybe I was good at big faith but not small everyday faith. But I just remember from a young age feeling almost invincible, and I understood that loving God didn’t mean bad things wouldn’t happen, but I knew God had to allow them and He knew about them and if something bad happened, He would be there to carry me. I lived quite nearly fearless, I was unafraid of any external crisis. I had such a strong sense that everything would be ok.

Until I didn’t. Until suddenly I wasn’t ok. I was swallowed in a darkness and sadness and hopelessness. I was wrapped in stress and anxiety and a trapped place with no escape. Riddled with guilt and confusion. I hadn’t even experienced anything traumatic – just hundreds of soul sucking days.

I think that’s why it hit me so hard. The depression and anxiety. Because I had been the one with a huge faith that God would hold me no matter what, and then it felt like He wasn’t. It felt like He wasn’t holding or answering or listening. It felt like nothing was ok and it may never be ok again.

I’m finding faith again, or maybe a truer faith that believes despite feelings and circumstances. My mustard seed faith is finding how to hold on to God when I don’t FEEL Him. As I choose God and choose love, it’s ironic because it’s only through Him that I can “choose”.

He’s changing my heart, you know. He’s bringing me close and making me more like Him. It’s not like I thought it would be. I assumed it would be emotion-filled and warm and dramatic. It’s more of a turning of my heart. Ever so gradually I sense my thinking and wants and priorities becoming more what I believe God wants. It doesn’t feel like a huge spiritual awakening in the way I thought becoming more Christlike would, there are less endorphins and tears. There’s a sweet, solid slowness to it. A quiet closeness and catching a glimpse into God’s heart.