You want to know what it said last night?

Satan, the devil, my demons, the depression…whatever you want to call it.

Relentless. Circling my head, over and over. Battering

“Your husband can’t stand being around you”
“You hate yourself, how do you think he feels about you? He didn’t fall in love with this.”
“If you died right now, your own husband wouldn’t have anything good to say about you.”

Incessant. Over and over.

It sounds ridiculous. To read the words, it seems petty and melodramatic.

It’s when they aren’t really words, just thoughts circling endlessly, plaguing you until you believe it.

It knows when to hit. At the end of the day when you are too tired to fight. When your anxiety and irritability seem to just confirm the thoughts. Just enough truth to make you believe.

I could barely utter the words. It took every fiber to say to him through the tears and the darkness, “Pray for me.”

So he held me and prayed over me. Truth poured over the lies that had been suffocating me. Wrapped in love rather than the (self)hatred that had been there. Light breaking through the darkness.

He held me. And Jesus held me.

In the light, I see it. The goal. If I believe that the people I love most don’t love or need me. If I believe that my family would be better without me. Those things don’t inspire me to love more or become more. They take me to a place where my life doesn’t matter, so why live?

Jesus’ heart must break.

He came to rescue and make beautiful. He died to restore and heal.

When I remember that, it makes me so angry at every opposite thing I believed last night.

I’m still struggling. My mind is an inescapable place. And if we’re honest, you only get so many passes to fall apart and need that kind of support.

But God is good and He is fighting for me. Truth over lies. Truth over lies