I try not to talk much about my religious and legalistic upbringing. 

Part of me is embarrassed and hurt still, part of me doesn’t want to burn bridges with some of those relationships, a big part of me knows if I take a stand against them that I will give them ammunition against me, my family, and my relationship with God. A big part of me is afraid of turning others away from Christ and the Church – the real Church.

I spent most of my life wrapped in shame and guilt and confusion. I’ve spent my adult years protecting and excusing ungodly behaviors because I didn’t want God to look bad. It’s actually the opposite I’ve discovered – I need to call out the wickedness and injustice and ungodliness that occurred in God’s name. I can’t continue to try to reconcile these behaviors with the Bible. I won’t live in fear of ruffling feathers (that’s not actually what being a peacemaker means). If I claim to speak for justice that means speaking for those silenced in cultish circles claiming Christ but living toxic legalism. I want the world to see the real Christ, not this disgusting version that everyone else sees far too often. And when I am silent about these things, I allow others who were hurt and damaged to continue on in silence. 

So let me tell you about my upbringing in a small subculture of Christianity that I honestly find to be a cult in nature.

I remember as a teen, I was sent home from church because my skirt wasn’t 2 inches below the knee, sitting and standing, and I was supposed to sing that week. We applauded women standing to say they resisted the “temptation” to use blush on their face. I was cornered and lectured and accused of sin for buying a tube of mascara (as a teenager, with my own money). A girl’s hair couldn’t be cut and definitely not colored, and preferably, would be neatly tucked up with no “ends” showing.  I have been sent back into the house to change my clothes more times than I can even remember because my clavicle or knee was showing too much or my sleeves weren’t quite halfway between my shoulder and elbow and it’s taken nearly a decade after leaving home to know how to dress myself and walk out of the house without someone approving of my outfit.

As girls, we were bound to more rules and walked away with more scars. Girls should follow their father’s every word until they marry a man who would decide for her how she should dress and look. Officially, women were equals, but in reality were secondary. You “follow” your husband and pastors without question. Acceptable careers and college degrees for women were roles of nursing, teaching, or working within the church, but only if you HAD to work – it was preferred and expected to be a stay at home wife and mother. Military, engineering, construction, first responders or anything that was a “man’s job” was highly discouraged. By the way, if you’re going to college, it should be an approved college within the sect.

Women were not empowered to trust themselves and to leave toxic and abusive relationships, but rather to stay in their wifely role and pray for a changed heart. Sex was owed to your husband. Marriage advice like “If you’re not feeling close to your husband, just get naked and get close” was meant to be somewhat humorous but carried harmful messages. Girls couldn’t participate in sports or swim or exercise comfortably because of the unreasonable expectations of dress that was forced on us. Sandals were only allowed in certain circumstances but never to church, open-toe heels were deemed too “sexy”. Safety was a lesser priority to an approved standard of modesty. Wearing pants to snowboard was allowed only because a man said it was permissible but don’t think of taking a picture of yourself in those pants. Girls often were required to wear a skirt over our sweatpants or pajama pants while we were at home around our brothers (dads, grandpas…), because we might cause our own brothers to look at us. How twisted is it to make that kind of attraction an expected behavior and create an environment where a teenage girl has to think about how to protect her family from being sexually stimulated by her in pajama pants? 

Men and boys were not held responsible for their thoughts or actions, but rather the women who tempt them. Abusers were too often protected and not reported. Boys were fed a continuous lie that they were sex-consumed and that’s just the way their bodies were created and they had no choice but to try to control themselves until they were married and could finally feed that sex-obsession. A self-fulfilling prophecy that encouraged a dangerous curiosity that often turned into dark secrets. 

Small, small children were taken out of church when they didn’t sit still enough to be spanked so their crying didn’t bother anyone trying worship inside. As if the biggest concern of our holy and just and loving God is a child who is full of life and making too much noise.

Harsh, punitive, authoritarian parenting was encouraged to hopefully keep children from growing up and going to hell. Some parents used “time out” as a code word for spanking so that no one would report them, and we laughed and joked as if that was normal. Parents were taught to “break their child’s will”, so the child would fully obey and respect them. Hit, isolate, yell, berate, preach until they submit.

Jewelry was forbidden, no matter how small or invaluable or meaningful. Even wedding rings which our entire society places value on as a symbol of love and commitment in a marriage.

Anything outside of what our parents thought was labeled sin because “Children, obey your parents”.

Music was limited to a specific sub-genre of Christian and anything other than that was sinful and satanic.

We attacked and accused and undermined any other Christian church that wasn’t of our group or exact theology. We built walls. Holding ourselves at the highest level of godliness and understanding. Pitying others who haven’t yet found our way. Tradition was not to be questioned.

Going to the movies was out of the question. We didn’t have TV. We did not watch mainstream movies. When I was 14, a friend gave me “Finding Nemo” as a birthday present and my parents made me give it back.

Amusement parks, bowling alleys, county fairs, bars, or restaurants that serve alcohol were discouraged depending on what church group you were in.

Teenagers were labeled as rebels. We were taught to listen and follow without asking questions; to blindly accept the vague, uninformed, illogical answers when we did ask. 

We avidly prohibited and shamed any alcohol or smoking or drug use, but gluttony and addictions to other things were acceptable. We didn’t actively support those dealing with substance abuse or addictions – I mean, it’s a sin and a choice after all. We would shame and talk about the evils of pornography, but lacked real conversations and resources to deal with the issue.

Those who are in poverty, without homes, or under-privileged are probably there because of their own decisions and thus deserve to stay there. We should be “good stewards” of our money so we refuse to give to someone who might misuse the money. Don’t take the time to get to know those of different beliefs, race, sexuality, or social status – we have to protect ourselves and our kids.

Don’t talk about mental health. Don’t go to therapy or take medication for mental health. Mock psychology and modern research. Definitely don’t try to educate yourselves.

Don’t even think of swearing, don’t say “crap” or “sucks” or “gosh” in any context, but if you want to call someone “fat” or “idiot” or “retard” in sarcasm and anger, that’s fine. Ridicule others and call it “joking”.

Fight for unborn babies (as we should), but rarely foster or adopt the children who need you. Shun and neglect unwed mothers rather than welcoming and supporting them.

Put as much effort as possible into keeping your guns close by and gay marriage banned. Hold your hard-earned money tight so it doesn’t go to support someone undeserving on welfare. That’s where God wants us to put our energy after all, not into supporting widows and orphans, telling others the good news, and feeding the poor.

Don’t date someone who has a different skin color. Don’t hold hands with your boyfriend. Don’t dance for any reason. Don’t celebrate Halloween.

We said the right things of God and love and freedom at times, but didn’t live it out. We twisted Scripture to fit our agenda or message. And I know. I know not everyone in those churches fit all of these things, but regardless, we defended the extremists and put the more conservative on a pedestal. We measured godliness by standards we created. We criticized and judged those who were anywhere on the fringe of these legalisms. We manipulated and we kept people from leaving; calling it “ministry” to try to win them back when they did. To this day I’ve had conversations with a grown man, a father, where he says “I wish I could leave and go to your church or somewhere else…but I CAN’T.“

I’ve placed intentional boundaries and distance from these circles. I’ve found healing and love and forgiveness. The feelings that I’ll never be enough, the shame, the inability to be my God-made self  –  those things are subsiding. Toxic neural pathways are slowly being overrun. Through developing deep relationships, through vulnerability, through wrestling with God, through speaking truth over the lies again and again and again, through living in grace, through allowing God to love me.

If you are in these types of churches or belief systems and questioning, let yourself. That feeling of guilt for questioning and evaluating your beliefs and upbringing is exactly why you should. Look at the real Jesus. Look what He did. Look how close He came. Look who He spent time with. Look at His words. Look at His enemies: the most religious.

If this is triggering for you and sounds like your own experience, here are some things I hope you know.

1. You are enough.
2. There IS healing
3. Look for the real Jesus. Don’t dismiss Him because of the lies you were taught about Him.
4. Find a therapist
5. Cut ties and set boundaries where needed
6. Don’t stay